Inside Tours and Activities

The colors, layout, and much of the language for the tourist brochure are lifted directly from the real US Capitol brochure.

As there weren’t meant to be any tours or activities at the US Capitol in January of 2021, much of the schedule has been canceled.

Where the real brochure strongly indicates that getting inside either chamber will require the procurement of a pass, this brochure has been updated to reflect the pass optional nature of the January 6th tour through the Senate Chamber …

and the photo of the US House of Representatives Chamber has been updated to more accurately portray what the congressmen were up to that day.

Most of the information for Wednesday’s schedule came from here.

The Pipe Bomb Scavenger Hunt

is a reference to the following event:

At 12:49 p.m., Capitol Police responded to report of an explosive device, later identified as a pipe bomb.

The Testicle Taser Tickle

is a reference to this man accidentally tasing himself in the balls (shocker right?) …

which led to this declaration:

2:05 p.m.: Kevin Greeson is declared dead after suffering a heart attack outdoors on the Capitol grounds.

The Northwest Window Tour

is a reference to the initial building breach:

2:11 p.m.: Rioter [Tourist] Dominic Pezzola breaks a window on the northwest side of the Capitol with a plastic shield.

The Speaker’s Office Tour

I had to ballpark a time for, but I am sure we all recognize tourist Richard Barnett (who couldn’t shut the f$&k up about how much he thought of himself for leaving the tour with some paper).

The Speaker’s Lobby Meet and Greet

refers to the assault on the Speaker’s Lobby, at the front of which was this woman.

2:44 p.m.: Rioter [Tourist] Ashli Babbitt is shot by Capitol Police while attempting to force entry into the Speaker's Lobby adjacent to the House chambers by climbing through a window that led to the House floor.

Here we see the shot fired into tourist Babbitt …

and here is tourist Babbitt after falling from the window.

The West Portico Porte Pinning

refers to the footage of Officer Daniel Hodges having his head crushed in the West Portico doorway by some tourists. The time was ballparked.

The Gallow Raising Social

refers to the gallows built by the tourists.

The time is ballparked to the time the tourists began chanting “hang Mike Pence.”

The Capitol Tunnel Trample Trot

is a reference to the death of this tourist (who it turns out is from a neighboring town to where I grew up).

4:26 p.m.: Rosanne Boyland is trampled to death by rioters [tourists] at a Capitol tunnel entrance while police are attacked, as shown in bodycam video.

She lay trampled to death by tourists somewhere near here.